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Dear Santa


Dear Santa I wud like a kool toy space ranjur fer Xmas. Iv ben a gud boy all yeer. Yer Frend, BiLLy

Dear Billy, Nice spelling. You’re on your way to a career in lawn care. How about Isend you a f**king book so you can learn to read and write? I’m givingyour older brother the space ranger. At least HE can spell! Santa
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Dear Santa,I don’t know if you can do this, but for Christmas, I’d like for mymommy and daddy to get back together. Please see what you can do. Love, Teddy

Dear Teddy,Look, your dad’s banging the babysitter like a screen door in ahurricane. Do you think he’s gonna give that up to come back to yourfrigid Mom, who rides his a$$ constantly? It’s time to give up thatdream. Let me get you some nice LEGOs instead. Santa
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Dear Santa,I want a new bike, a Playstation, a train, some G.I. Joes, a dog, a drumkit, a pony and a tuba. Love, Francis

Dear Francis,Who names their kid Francis, nowadays? I bet you’re gay. Santa
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Dear Santa,I left milk and cookies for you under the tree, and I left carrots foryour reindeer outside the back door. Love, Susan

Dear Susan,Milk gives me the runs and carrots make the deer fart in my facewhen riding in the sleigh. You want to do me a favor? Leave mea bottle of scotch. Santa
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Dear Santa,What do you do the other 364 days of the year? Are you busy making toys? Your friend, Thomas

Dear Thomas,All the toys are made in China. I have a condo in Vegas, where I spendmost of my time making low-budget porno films. I unwind by drinkingmyself silly and squeezing the a$$es of cocktail waitresses while losingmoney at the craps table. Hey, you wanted to know. Santa
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Dear Santa,I really really want a puppy this year. Please please please PLEASEPLEASE could I have one? Timmy

Timmy,That whiney begging sh*t may work with your folks, but that cr*p doesn’twork with me. You’re getting a sweater again. Santa
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Dearest Santa,We don’t have a chimney in our house, how do you get into our home? Love, Marky

Mark,First, stop calling yourself Marky, that’s why you’re getting your a$$whipped at school. second, you don’t live in a house, you live in alow-rent project. Third, I get inside your pad just like all theburglars do, through your bedroom window. Sweet Dreams, Santa
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Dear Santa,I have been a good girl all year, and the only thing I ask for is peaceand joy in the world for everybody! Love, Sarah

Dear Sarah,Your parents smoked pot when they had you, didn’t they? Santa
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